El downside de ser squibb

Fanny nodded in agreement and dropped the subject.

She chuckled at his honesty. "I wasn't about to bring that up!" She said in self defense. "Though escorting me to fetch some books and clothes can't be much more fun."

Matt realized his comment didn't cause the desired effect. He blamed himself for unintentionally implying that this errand was as plain as his nights with McFarland had been. 

"It will be whatever we make of it." He said mysteriously. At leas that was a good save, he thought. "The weather seems good enough for a ride before tea... unless you have a previous engagement, of course."

Fanny blushed deeply at his suggestion. "I'd love a ride through the grounds!" She admitted enthusiastically. "It's been forever since I last saw a live horse." She joked at her own expense. "I've missed Galatea." She said rather gloomily.

Galatea, her mare, had passed away of old age before her disappearance a few years back.

Matt looked as enthusiastic as she sounded at the idea. 

"I'm sorry. I know you loved her deeply." He said soberly. "Her daughter Duchess looks a lot like her. Perhaps you could visit the stables more often, go for a ride; spend some time with her. I'm sure you'll come to love her just as much... she's yours after all."

"She had a good life." Fanny said rather to herself. His comment got her attention. She lifted her chin to look at him curiously. An uncertain smile spread over her face.

"You know I love riding, but I just couldn't bear forcing you to escort me every time. You're a busy man with enough on your plate to baby sit me through my hobby." She said in a sad yet realistic tone.

"You seem to forget I love riding just as much and, busy men need the break all the more, since their minds are often filled with worry."

It sounded completely reasonable and yet quite unbelievable coming from him. Had he really matured so much to value quality time over money and success? Perhaps her alleged death had truly changed the man, she thought.

"Are you courting me?" She asked after a long silence.

"What do you think?" He asked with his best megawatt smile on.

"Right. Silly me. Why ask, right?" She fumbled nervously as they reached the castle door.

He chuckled to hide his own nervousness. 

"Don't know what you're talking about, Miss Dalton." Matt said opening the door for her to pass.

Fanny went into the grounds smiling to herself. She waited for him to get out, hoping to take his arm again once he had.

"I miss dad." She admitted on a related tangent once they resumed their walk. Her father used to be her confident and she would always stay up late talking to him about Matt whenever they had gone out somewhere or taken a stroll down the Manor gardens. The man would often offer advice and comfort in a way Tarja couldn't quite fulfill.

Matt left the castle after Steph and offered her his arm before leading the way through the grounds in the general direction of the castle gates. 

"So do I. He was a wise man." He said quietly. Had his mentor still been alive, he would have prevented all that divorce chaos from happening, Matt was sure. He had been lost without his guide. Then again, he wouldn't have been pushed and or allowed to marry Steph if the man didn't fear his only daughter was about to be alone and unprotected from the cruel outside world. Matt suspected that had been his main concern when encouraging him to pursue his daughter. No one in their sane mind would want a playboy for a son in law.

"Dalton Manor is bursting with memories of him. That is why I have avoided it after his passing." She confessed just as quietly.

"But it serves no one to dwell in the past. I shall try to remedy this situation in the future."

Matt nodded, understanding. 

"I think your father would like that very much. The two of you were happy in that place. It is your home and he has always wished you the best."

Fanny nodded once, a little sad smile on her lips.

"I believe home is where the heart lays. With him gone, there is nothing but paperwork and dusty memories tying me to that place. Still, he did want to see me happy and, as much as I love teaching, living in fear confined to that castle is wearisome. Hogwarts is not my home. People there are not my family and they never will be." Fanny said in a calm, plaintive tone. "I can't be happy without a home, Matthew." She whispered, almost shaking with emotion. She had stopped their walk for a moment and turned to look at Matt intently.

"I'd like to try and make a home off that place once again. I could move there permanently once I overcome this... apprehension." she said at the lack of a better word. "We had a nice afternoon there last time." Fanny said in a calm, determined way that was clearly unrelated to his surprising kiss. "So I know it is possible for me to be happy there if I can just let go of the ghosts from my past. That way you wouldn't have to worry about my safety all the time. I would stop being a burden and belong somewhere at last."

Matt was surprised to hear that coming from her. He would have expected Steph to be more rooted to the house she had grown up in. Then again, he wasn't. The impulse to argue that the other teachers would eventually accept her if she gave them a chance was stopped by good sense. It clearly was the time to listen, not argue with her. Not when she seemed so determined about the whole business. The way she stopped walking to look into his eyes was proof enough that he had been right.

He held her gaze, searching those emeralds for the answers to his silent questions. Was she thinking of them? Was she planning on moving on, on her own? Her words made it sounds like it was the latter, which terrified Matt, who was unable to hide the pain and shock on his face. He took her hands on his for something to hold on to. 

"Is..." He started but felt unable to ask the question. "If that's what you want for yourself." He finally managed to breathe out, still deeply shocked.

His silence scared her. Matt had never been a quiet person. Was that what she wanted for herself? There was no easy way to answer that question. She wanted what she once shared with him, without everything that had happened between them since, which obviously couldn't be undone. As to whether she would be able to forgive him, Fanny was as uncertain about it as Matt himself.

"What I want, I cannot have. It is an impossibility. It is time for me to stand on the crumbling foundations of my life and face reality before I attempt to build a future." She said determined, yet full of sadness.

Her little speech confused him more than it helped understand the actual situation. She had said she wanted for him to keep on trying to win her back but now she seemed to want to move into that huge mansion on her own. It was safer than the castle, a good hiding place, but he had never imagined her as an independent being. It seemed her years as a nurse had changed Steph, made her mature more than he could imagine. 

"How can I help?" He whispered in fear a louder tone would vanish her away from him. He both feared and hated the way her words had an air of finality to them. Was that goodbye? Why else but fear of losing her would such a selfish person offer help so freely?

Fanny's mind raced. She desperately wanted to kiss him, not only then, but every time they were together, but then she'd go back to her room and spend some time alone... and all she could picture in her mind was him and her Liz, in bed... It was tearing her apart. She didn't know her own mind or heart anymore. She wanted to go back to him but the idea of resenting the man sleeping next to her for the rest of their life together didn't seem like a good plan. It would build up tension until she couldn't take it anymore and someone would definitely get hurt.

When her reflections reached this point, Fanny decided that was the answer she needed to give him. She took a deep breath.

"This is all so very complicated, Matthew." She breathed out, shaking like a leaf. "I want you. Us, together like before, as a family..." A fat tear rolled down her flustered cheek. "But I can't stop thinking about you and Liz. It haunts me day and night and I just can't wrap my head around that." She made a pause to gasp for air a couple of times.

"I know you still love me, that we want the same thing, but I can't go through with it holding this grudge against you. It would be deadly dangerous for the very people I've strive to protect these past few years. We'd be all right for a while, then pressure would build up to unbearable levels and I'd blow in your face, enraged like a lioness... I might end up hurting you or the girls..." She was sobbing hard now. "I would never allow that to happen, Matthew. I don't want to hurt anyone... Least of all those I love." This time, however, she was strong enough not to lay on him for support and her body language made it clear she didn't want his physical comfort.

The suspense was killing him, but Matt waited for her to speak, his heart racing wild in his chest.

Her explanation made sense to him. It was reassuring somehow. It might not make things easier, but at least he now knew what was on her mind, exactly, what her struggle was, how she felt. Still, there was no clear way of solving Steph's struggle for her. It was the kind of thing people had to sort out on their own.

"Listen," Matt began with renewed self confidence, now that he knew she still loved him. For a long while he had feared she might not, otherwise, she wouldn't have asked to continue with the divorce like she did after his confession. He was dying to hold her close to him, but knew better at this point than to do so to someone who clearly needed her space. 

"I know this is a very delicate situation and a lot to deal with... but you don't have to decide the rest of your life today, you know?" He said softly, in a comforting tone. "Why don't we get you some books, some nice dresses and go for a ride before tea, as planned? Then we can go back next weekend for another ride, maybe a quick stop at the annual horse race." He shrugged.

The confidence in Matt's voice managed to calm her down a bit. She was still very upset but her shaking reduced considerably and so did her sobs. Breathing came easier to her after he started talking in that tone that always reassured her that everything would be all right.

Fanny nodded like she would have with her father if he were using the same strategy of logic and a soft voice to calm her down. "I know." She said in a tiny voice. "I just want all this... drama to be over." She sniffled, sobbing stopped altogether now. "I want to feel happy and safe, and going somewhere in life, not just stranded in a place where all people see are my limitations."

He felt relieved to see her calming down by his reassurance and happy to still have such positive influence over her. It meant she cared, right?

"I want the drama to be over as much as you do. But, if it's ever going to work, it won't happen overnight, Steph. Give yourself some time. A few months ago we thought we'd never forgive one another. But, now, I understand  why you stayed away." He said confident.

"I won't pretend to know you better than you do yourself or micro manage your life," Matt gave Steph's hands a soft squeeze between his. "but perhaps you, too, will come to a point where the past doesn't hurt anymore, like Dalton Manor."

"I truly hope you can get there eventually. I've lost you once and thought you lost forever. It was hell... the things I did to make the pain go away are not something I'm proud of... but now that you're back, I don't want us to be separated again, no matter what our differences are."

She listened to him intently, still looking into his eyes through her moist lashes.

"I wish I saw things as clearly as you do." She whispered, looking down sadly. "You've clearly forgiven me, but I don't know if I'd ever..." She sobbed a little, closing her eyes and freeing one of her hands from his to wipe away her tears.

"Steph, had I known that you were still alive, I would have never as much as looked at another woman." He breathed taking a step closer to her.

Fanny still looked hurt and sad, but she gazed into his eyes looking for any hint that he might be lying to her. She wanted to believe in his words, but feared too much getting hurt again.

"Why her?" She whispered as two tears ran down her cheeks.

"She was there." Matt said with a shrug, his head hanging. "It could have been anyone else. Whoever crossed my path first. It was mere chance." He said vehemently, yet quietly. That wasn't entirely true, but he had convinced himself it was and now believed it as the truth.

"Do you really mean that?" She asked in a vulnerable tone, taking a step closer, the white rose in their joined hands the only thing between them.

Matt nodded, sober. Being that close to her always overwhelmed him with thoughts and impulses of the physical kind, but, although he knew them inadequate for the situation, they wouldn't be dissipated easily. The tension between them was too huge for him to be able to think of anything else but Steph.

Fanny frowned while a sad smile curved her lips in a confusing expression. As if she couldn't quite make sense of things.

"I won't complain about the way you ease your pain. You slept around when we met, and it is only logic that you would default back to it if left alone." She said in a shaking voice, though her body had ceased to do so long a while ago. "I just wish it hadn't been her." Fanny admitted.

"I don't think I'd be able to see you both in the same room and not feel hurt. After you told me, I've been in her presence only once and it was horrible."  Her eyes swam with unshed tears.

Her words hurt worse than a slap, because he knew just how much Steph disapproved of sleeping around. But she was right, though. It was who he was and what he defaulted to when left to his own devices. He nodded awkwardly, as there was nothing he could say to improve things. Unless...

"I'm sorry about that." He commented when it crossed his mind that he hadn't apologized about it and that might, after all help his cause. "I didn't have a chance to apologize before, but I truly am sorry for hurt you." 

That was something Matt didn't know what to respond to. Was is necessary for her to think about a get together in that precise moment? He thought she was complicating things unnecessarily by worrying in advance about things that might not happen after all. 

"How about me? Is it horrible to be in my company?" He asked trying to guide the conversation to more optimistic paths.

"You don't have to." She said, although it was very reassuring to hear him say the words. Matt usually was too proud to apologize, something he deemed too humiliating to bear. The fact that he was willing to do that for her was somewhat comforting, though it didn't just magically fix things for her to forgive him just like that. "But I do appreciate the gesture." She admitted. "I know what it means coming from you."

His question was unexpected. Fanny took a moment to analyze herself. Then shook her head. "I rather enjoy myself in your company. I sometimes do think of her, but not for long." She admitted.

"I know, but I want to." He clarified. Then nodded at her recognition, a small encouraging smile on his lips. 

"Glad to hear that." He admitted. "Perhaps if you stopped pushing yourself so hard to move forward, you'd let go at your own time, without even realizing."

She was glad to hear that he wanted to. Watching that proud man argue endlessly with people through the years, when a small apology would have solved everything swiftly made it all the more significant that he was willing to apologize with her. What's more, she did believe that he would have never done such a thing had she been alive.

But truth remained that he had believed her to be dead and had slept with other people. She didn't mind much about the strangers, but Liz. It wasn't that much that she was her cousin and friend, but the fact that it was someone with a name, someone she knew and would feel compelled to see again. It was as if he had ruined her cousin for her.

"No." Fanny said stubbornly. "If we have any chance of working things out, she has to be banished from both our lives forever. Otherwise she'll become a constant reminder of what happened and I would never fully forget." She explained. "I hate the idea of not having her in my life anymore, but I hate the idea of losing you even more. I understand you making a silly mistake. You're a man after all, but Liz is a woman and she has known me since we were babies. She should have known better."

"I won't complain about Miss Leatherby because she has made it abundantly clear that she hates you... and looks so much like me I can honestly understand you getting involved with her. The one time we passed through her bookstore it gave me goosebumps." Fanny admitted. It kind of flattered her that the only woman her ex husband had been able to get really close to had been her doppelganger.

"I understand. Consider it done. I said I'd help you in any way I could and I will." He said quietly, softly brushing her hand with his thumb. He too hated to see the reminder of his indiscretions on a daily basis, which is why the man usually had one night stands with random people he was unlikely to come across and why he never called back after a date or two. He had no interest what so ever in Elizabeth Dalton now, so it was easy for him to make that promise and it would be equally easy to keep it.

"The only thing we ever had in common was you, Steph, but if we do coincide somewhere again I'll keep my distance. And, so you know... there has never been anything romantic between us. You can go through my mail if you want to, see I have nothing to hide." He offered in a conciliatory tone only used with her. 

He chuckled in spite of himself. "That's the understatement of the century." He said about Miss Leatherby hating him. "But she was nothing like you in all the aspects that matter." He reassured her.

Fanny let out a sigh.

"Thank you, Matthew." She said relieved. "That's reassuring." She admitted.

She shook her head. "It won't be necessary. I know you. You wouldn't get romantically involved with just anyone. Swimming through molten stone is easier than getting closer to you." She said more like a joke than a recrimination. It was something she used to tell him a lot in the past, when they were married. A way to boast about her winning him over after such a long courtship. She had always been proud of succeeding where so many others had failed.

"So Tess says. She might have a horrible sense of fashion, but she has an impeccable taste in people"

"Let us go now." Fanny suggested regaining her composure at last. "I wish to visit my father's grave while there's still light." She said ready to resume their walk.